I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOVE ANYMORE
The trials and tribulations of de-centering romance
I don’t want to turn on the lights. I don’t want to put on makeup and meet the sun. I want to keep this misery a secret, and emerge victorious some distant day, wearing white.
Birds of ill omen and other confessions, Carmín Amor, 2025
Sounds so easy and gets so messy. I have long avoided writing about love or romance, but I find myself talking about it almost relentlessly. With friends and family going through different stages of love, as a single woman, love seems to be everywhere, except where you are. Everyone in your life is dating, divorcing, traveling the world with their partners, raising kids with them, fighting, grieving. All of that holds its own beauty, but somehow I’ve always felt extremely foreign to it, watching through a window and living vicariously through others who were in the midst of it.
De-centering men or romance as a young woman is difficult, not because romance is paramount, but because it has been ingrained into your head so much that not prioritizing it feels like a resignation, a bittersweet acceptance that love is not on the cards for you, a claim that sounds nearly pathetic. But don’t be so dramatic, why not accept love without searching or aching for it?
Youth is an asset, why not employ it to master your craft? Build the foundation of your career? Truly know yourself? And maybe meet and grow a connection with someone along the way. This is not a manifesto against relationships or men. It’s a question for all: Wouldn’t life be so pleasant if we felt whole without the one? Why is the love of friends and family not as fulfilling as a romantic interest? And really, Why would time be running out?
Loving yourself is your responsibility.
Supposedly, we wrongfully search in our partners that which we lacked in our childhood. Attention, affection, consistency, understanding, patience (the list goes on). Those are things that you are supposed to give yourself as an adult, or else, you’ll form a perhaps unhealthy attachment and depend on someone else to satisfy these needs you were responsible to fulfill in the first place.
Give yourself attention: spend time with yourself, make time for things you enjoy. Give yourself consistency: take care of yourself, develop discipline and healthy habits. Understand yourself: journal, meditate, converse with yourself, invest in therapy. Be patient with yourself: give yourself time to grow into the person you want to be, be free to make mistakes.
Fulfilling these basic needs —or ‘healing your inner child’, as some say—, is actually paramount to be in a healthy relationship with someone else without hurting them or yourself. You are now the adult responsible for your inner child. Take that responsibility seriously.
Devotion to oneself. Boundaries.
If we can go above and beyond for others, why not do so for yourself? Why not show up when you need it most? And most importantly: why do we allow others to push our boundaries? I’m not just talking about partners or a romantic interest. Issues setting boundaries spill into every area of your life. So be a little strict with coworkers and siblings about your rules, respect yourself enough that everyone will follow your example, and for the love of god, stop saying you’re sorry. Remember, the only reason why you don’t set healthy boundaries is because you believe love must be earned. So you should show up for yourself with such consistency and tenderness that love is not a rare thing to covet and secure.
Are we even passing the Bechdel-test??
If you recently broke up with your partner, I, personally, will let you talk about them endlessly and not judge you for it. Because I get it, and it’s exactly what you need to do.
However, I find conversations much more fulfilling when they don’t revolve around love and relationships. There are women in my life whom I only ever talk about men with, women I might not be close with, from my gym or the nail salon. Maybe because our general disappointment in relationships unites us in some strange way, but I’d much rather know about the business they started with their mom last year, or the trip to Spain they’re planning with their college friends. Not passing the bechdel test at the brink of a World War is crazy. A far-fetched business venture, a new horror film. Think of something, damn it.
Love everywhere
Though forced to face the complexities –or lack thereof– of life without romance, you’re free to find that love is everywhere. Love is in the piano keys, and in your cats. In your grandmother’s photo album and the seat your friend saves for you at the table, it’s in the mirror, in the gravestone and in the clean clothes you wear. Love is in your work, the words you write, the dreams you paint. Life is so rich and fulfilling and it does not have to include -or exclude- romantic love. Love is what you make it. Colorful and loud and complex. Oftentimes, not as hidden as we think it is, perhaps only truly visible when out of focus.